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翻譯：麥克杜杜格 sabrinashih paul34 haloukeiti
校對：anythingbutme 總監：cheeseflower
后期：L.C.
開始之前 Before we begin,
我希望你把手機關機 I just want to ask you to turn off your phone.
因為我最近看電影的時候 I say that 'cause I was at a movie recently,
旁邊有個人接了個電話 and the guy next to me answered his phone during the movie.
他接電話時 原話是這么說的 And he answered it by saying, and I quote,
他說 "你誰啊" he said, "Who dis?"
也就是說 他不只是愿意跟某個人聊天 Which means, not only was he willing to talk to someone.
而是愿意跟任何人聊天 He was willing to talk to anyone.
不管對方是誰 He didn't care who it "Das".
謝了 Thanks.
我不確定德語"說"的過去式是不是這樣 I'm not sure what the past tense of "Dis" is,
這個人接電話時用到德語單詞"說"
但他確實不在乎對方是誰 but he did not care who it "Das."
我要給你講個故事 是真事 I'm gonna tell you a story, and, and it's true.
我總要強調是真事 I always have to tell people that because, inevitably,
因為總免不了有人跑來問我 someone will come up to me, and they'll be like,
"是真的嗎" "Was that true?"
我就說 "是真的" And I'll be like, "Yeah."
然后他們還會問 "是嗎" And they'll be like, "Was it?"
我都不知道說什么好了 I don't know how to respond to that.
我想是不是可以把嗓門放大再說一遍 Like, I guess I could say it louder, you know,
"是真的" like, "Yeah!"
他們是不是就會想 那應該假不了 They'd be like, "It's probably true.
因為他說得這么大聲 He said it louder."
上帝 God.
你還好吧 Are you okay?
還好 還好 Yes, yes.
故事要從我和女友艾比 It all started when my girlfriend Abby and I
決定同居的時候說起 decided to move in together.
我不完全確定這是明智之舉 I wasn't entirely sure it was the best idea.
實木地板 空間通透 Hardwood floors, lots of room.
我現在的公寓就比我的個子稍微大點 My apartment now is only slightly bigger than my body.
這套就好多了吧 So this is better?
是啊 這好多了 Yeah, yeah, this is better.
那就好 Good.
這里挺暗 我們可以粉刷一下 It's so dark in here, so we can paint.
是啊 是啊 Yeah. Yeah.
如果你們喜歡 得快點做決定了 Well, if you like it, you should act quickly,
這房子今天就要賣掉 because this will go today.
我挺喜歡的 Well, I love it.
馬特 你喜歡嗎 Matt, do you love it?
你想 你想怎么... Do you, what do you want...
你說我們要不要再看看別的地方 Well, I mean, do you think we should see other places,
還是就定這兒了 or are we rushing here?
好的 Yeah.
我們要了 We'll take it.
那好 我們填一下... Good. Let's fill out...
我當時并不覺得我的人生可以塵埃落定了 I just didn't feel like my life was on sure footing.
艾比一直都更專注于我們的感情 You know, Abby was always the more focused of the two of us.
艾比在布魯克林一家工作室教聲樂 Abby was teaching these vocal workshops at a studio in Brooklyn,
布魯克林 美國紐約西南部一區
受學生愛戴 and her students loved her.
而我則努力想成為喜劇演員 Meanwhile, I was trying to be a comedian,
但進展不如人意 which was not going so well.
我小時候想當喜劇演員 When I was a kid, I wanted to be a comedian,
說唱歌手 或者開一家披薩店 a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant
可以供三年級學生來消遣消遣 where third graders could hang out.
沒想到 喜劇演員沒當成 I didn't realize that instead of being a comedian,
卻在一家有喜劇演出的酒吧當起了酒保 I would end up just working at a bar where they have comedy.
隨著時間的推移 Like, over time,
我明白了對自己的目標要現實一點 I've learned to become more realistic about my goals.
拿我來說 Like, over time, for me,
我的夢想從演喜劇成名 the dream has gone from getting famous doing comedy
變成演喜劇維持生計 to making a living doing comedy
再變成在街上撿到20美元 to finding $20 in the street.
我覺得這就現實多了 I feel like that's way more realistic.
我的喜劇事業進展不順 So it wasn't going too well.
但我不斷地對自己說其實還不錯 But I kept telling myself that it was,
因為想成為一名喜劇演員 because you, I think, to be a comedian,
就得有點癡人說夢的勁兒 you have to be a little bit delusional.
特別是起步期 Particularly starting out,
肯定失敗重重 there's just so much failure.
身處逆境 你得告訴自己 And amidst that failure, you have to tell yourself,
進展還不錯 "It's going quite nicely."
如果做不到 你就永遠無法登臺了 Because if you didn't, you would just never get onstage again.
你會想 我就是不討人喜歡 You'd be like, "I guess human beings don't like me."
而這是難以面對的現實 That's a hard reality to face.
實際上 有很多現實 As a matter of fact, there are a lot of realities
都讓我難以面對 I have a hard time facing.
這個我們稍后再說 But we'll get to that later.
伴我夢游
我把藍色的包好了 I, I packed the blue thing
還有粉色的 在它下面 and then the pink thing that goes under it.
太好了 Perfect.
我還給你帶了這些 And I got you these.
他們沒賣不加鹽的 They didn't have unsalted,
所以我專門飛到非洲給你買的 so I flew to Africa and got you those, specially.
謝謝 艾比 課上得真好 Thank you, Abby. That was a great class.
再見 馬丁 謝謝 Bye, Martin. Thanks.
謝謝 Thanks.
課上得其實不是很... Listen, the class was not...
是嗎 那家伙看著挺開心的 Really? That guy seemed happy.
你簽一下那個吧 And could you sign that?
那是給珍妮特的 That's for Janet.
現在有批發賀卡的地方 They have a whole section now
專賣適合"妹妹訂婚宴"的賀卡 for "Your Sister's Engagement Party" cards.
這么明確啊 Wow. This is really specific.
是啊 Yeah.
我想刪掉幾句的 I was gonna cross some stuff out, you know.
刪什么 Yeah?
別提離婚率 還有... No mention of divorce rate or...
要我把這寫進去嗎 Do you want me to write that in?
好啊 你寫吧 Yeah, you could write it in.
為珍妮特和菲利普舉杯 To Janet and Philip.
去年 我妹妹珍妮特訂婚了 Last year, my younger sister Janet got engaged.
這就是珍妮特 That's Janet.
還有我父母 And those are my parents.
婚姻就像 You know, marriage is like, well, you know,
就像這塊蛋糕 it's like this cake, you know?
你咬第一口的時候 When you first bite into it,
覺得沒有比這更好吃的了 you can't imagine anything better,
然后你吃啊 吃啊 and you eat, and you eat,
也許就吃膩了 and then maybe you've had enough cake.
我媽媽幾乎要把我爸爸逼瘋了 My mom seems to drive my father insane.
她總是"還有一件事"要說 She always wants to add one more thing.
對了 還有一件事 Ooh, and one more thing.
但其實沒什么好說的了 But it's rarely anything that deserves to be one more thing.
蛋糕是我從網上買的 I got the cake on the internet.
接下來該你了 You're next.
看看周圍 Yeah, just look around, man.
都沖你來了 寶貝 All of this is, it's coming your way, baby.
快就位吧 Batter up.
她很漂亮 She's beautiful.
看啊 Look at her.
她值得珍惜 She's a keeper.
他們認識兩年后菲利普就向珍妮特求婚了 Philip proposed to Janet 2 years after they met.
是兩年半 It was 2 and a half years.
差不多三年吧 It was almost 3.
他們認識后的兩年半 2 and a half years after they met.
好甜蜜 Very sweet.
可不是嘛 It was so sweet.
天啊 他們相識以來進展神速 And, boy, they've come a long way since then,
珍妮特跟我說 because Janet told me
他們第一次約會結束時... that at the end of their first date...
媽媽 別提這個了 Mom, you don't have to tell that story.
說這個干什么 That's not necessary.
他們第一次約會結束時 菲利普說 Philip said, at the end of their first date,
"晚安 吉娜" "Good night, Gina."
可她叫珍妮特 And her name is Janet.
他連她的名字都不知道 親愛的 He didn't know her name, honey.
琳達 你在那兒說什么呢 Linda, what are you talking about in there?
弗蘭克 我們在這兒聊天呢 Frank, we're talking in here.
你應該加入我們 You ought to join us.
我現在知道了 Well, I know her name now.
我只有在床上才叫她吉娜 I only call her "Gina" in bed.
你怎么連這個都說 You can't say that.
快告訴我 你們談什么呢 Just tell me, what are you talking about?
菲利普知道珍妮特的名字了 Philip knows Janet's name!
馬特 你和艾比在一起多久了 Matt, how long have you and Abby been together?
八年了 Eight, eight years.
八年了 Eight years.
我都不記得有這么久了 I don't remember it being so long.
真是荒唐 太夸張了 That's silly. That's ridiculous.
我習慣把東西都留著 I used to save everything.
聽聽你大二春天發給我的郵件 Listen to this email that you sent me sophomore spring.
我還把它們打印出來了 I actually printed these.
真大方啊 That's very generous of you.
你一向都吝惜墨粉的 You're very stingy with toner.
馬特 我父母想讓我去法學院 "Matt, my parents want me to go to law school,
但無論如何 "But I'm like, Whatever.
我要和我的樂隊搬到紐約去 "I'm gonna move to New York with my band."'
然后樂隊解散了 Yeah, and then that band will break up,
然后我又組了個樂隊 and then I'll have another band,
那個樂隊后來也解散了 and then that band will break up,
然后我就教... and then I'll teach...
天啊 My God.
小聲點 你會把我爸媽吵醒的 Shh, you're gonna wake up my parents.
"你值得珍惜" "You're a keeper."
對了 他那是想暗示什么 Right. And what does that imply?
是要你把我嘴里的鉤子弄出來 That you're gonna rip a hook out of my mouth
再把我扔回河里去嗎 and throw me back?
他們要把我放生嗎 They're gonna let me live?
喝口水 Here.
麥克斯叔叔說的 And Uncle Max is so subtle
"接下來該你了" 還真是委婉 with that whole, "You're next," thing.
就好像 這些人沒有自己的生活似的 It's just like, these people just have no lives, you know?
你才不想結婚呢 是吧 I mean, you don't want to get married, right?
你是在問我嗎 Are you asking?
不是 No.
那我可能不想吧 Then, no, I guess.
艾比 屋里有只胡狼 Abby, there's a jackal in the room.
艾比 屋里有只胡狼 Abby, there's a jackal in the room!
什么 What?
這兒有只胡狼 就這兒 There's a jackal, right there.
沒有什么胡狼 There's no jackal.
快回來睡覺 Come back to bed.
怎么了 What's going on?
看啊 就在這兒 There, there.
馬修 Matthew?
這兒有只胡狼 There's a jackal.
沒有胡狼 馬修 That's, there's no jackal, Matthew.
那是儲物籃 That's the hamper.
睡覺去吧 親愛的 Go to bed, sweetie.
"屋里有只胡狼" 是吧 兒子 "There's a jackal in the room," right, son?
寶貝 醒醒 沒有胡狼 快醒醒 "Sweetheart, wake up. There is no jackal. Wake up."
我想他們聽懂了 媽媽 I think they get it, Mom, yeah.
然后他一副要打空手道的架勢 And he's in this, like, little karate pose,
太可愛了 就在墻角 so sweet, in the corner.
盡管他都沒學過空手道 And he didn't even take karate, though.
馬特 你空手道沒入門吧 Hey, Matt, you were no belt in karate, I believe?
就是這樣 That's what it was.
-那武術呢 -還不錯 - How are you at kung fu? - Pretty good.
爸爸 你干什么呢 Dad, what are you doing?
你夢游多長時間了 How long has this sleepwalking been going on?
不行 爸爸 你這樣又要犯心臟病了 No, Dad, you're gonna get another heart attack if...
-別緊張 -閉嘴 別吵 - Calm down. - Hush, hush.
他才不在乎呢 He doesn't care.
我在醫院和一些內科醫生共事 You know, I work with some physicians over at the hospital
他們專門研究睡眠障礙 who specialize in sleep disorders.
我可以介紹你去看看 I could make a referral.
這或許會有幫助 That might be really helpful.
我不覺得有那么嚴重 I don't think it's that serious.
就發生過這么一次 You know, it's only happened once.
沒準只是個意外 Probably just a fluke.
這事可得留意了 Well, it's something to keep an eye on.
艾比 他再夢游你會告訴我吧 Abby, can I count on you to tell me if it happens again?
謝謝 Thank you.
培根真好吃 親愛的 This bacon is delicious, honey.
夠油滑 Really greasy.
右轉至馬頸路 Turn right on Horse Neck Road.
缺錢花嗎 You need money?
不缺 爸爸 我有工作 No, Dad, I have a job.
笑什么 Why is that funny?
你需要來點現實檢驗 Well, you need some goddamn reality testing.
需要車嗎 You need a car?
不用 我不怎么開車 No, I don't really drive.
也是 Right.
你可以開這輛車 You could have this car.
我們不打算要了 We're giving it up.
我不知道 I don't know.
你覺得呢 艾比 What do you think, Abby?
馬特 Matt.
不用 不用 No, no, no.
別推了 拿著吧 No, take it.
謝謝 Thanks.
還好嗎 Are we okay?
怎么了 Is something wrong?
馬特 我不是說 Matt, I'm not saying
我想馬上結婚什么的 I need to get married right now or anything.
只是覺得 我和你在一起這么久了 Just the idea that I spend all of my time with a person
你卻覺得結婚毫無可能 讓我有點難受 who can't even imagine that as a possibility is just weird.
我懂你的意思 I know what you mean.
我說什么好呢 What can I say?
她說得沒錯 She was right.
但在人生的這個階段 But at this point in my life,
我還在琢磨一些很根本的事 I mean, I was figuring out some really basic stuff like,
比如我這輩子要做什么 what am I gonna do with my life,
該去哪兒買麥片 and where do you buy cereal?
明白嗎 You know?
我從來沒把結婚當成一個目標 I mean, I never thought of marriage as a goal.
看著我父母的婚姻 Like, I never looked at my parents' marriage
又看見其他結婚超過30年的人 or really anyone who'd been married more than 30 years
我卻從沒想過 "我也要像他們那樣" and thought, "I got to get me some of that."
不過艾比的確是我這輩子遇見最好的人 But Abby was the greatest person I'd ever met in my life.
我對艾比一見鐘情 I fell for Abby from the moment I saw her.
她笑的時候 特別燦爛 She had this big, beautiful smile.
一口的牙 好像比頭還大 Like, it seemed like her teeth were bigger than her head
不過很性感 but in a sexy way.
于是我鼓足勇氣對她說 So I built up the courage to say...
你好 Hey.
我就是想說 I just wanted to say,
我徹徹底底 被你們的表演打動了 I really was moved by your performance just like on every level.
聽著有點肉麻 Almost sounds creepy.
我確實有些肉麻的意思 No, I meant it in some of the creepy ways.
我經常在學校里遇見她 I kept running into her on campus.
你好啊 Hey.
因為我經常跟蹤她 Because I was following her.
-馬特 -馬特 馬特 - Matt. - Matt. Matt.
你好 艾比 Hey, Abby.
你好 是叫馬特對嗎 Hey, Matt, right?
對 Yeah.
我見到她 就會問 And I'd see her, and I'd say,
你這周末有空嗎 hey, are you free, like, this weekend?
她會說沒空 可那樣子還是很美 She'd say no, which was hot also,
因為我知道她不會無故拒絕 'cause I knew she was sensible.
真的不行 我們在編四首新歌 No, really, we're arranging four new songs,
都得排練 and they all need rehearsal.
最后 我給她來了一個慢速球 Eventually, I threw her an off-speed pitch.
我說 I said
那你想什么時候去教堂嗎 do you want to go to church sometime?
什么 What?
我十歲以后就沒去過教堂 Well, I haven't been to church since I was, like, ten,
但是學校里有個不錯的小教堂 but there's this nice chapel here on campus,
我就在想 即使約會不順利 and I was thinking, if the date doesn't go well,
我們還可以聆聽布道 maybe we'll get something out of the homily.
就是現在 就是現在 Now, now, now, now, now, now, now
我們倆的第一次 Abby actually had to convince me
還是艾比慫恿的 to have sex for the first time.
我真的很想和你做愛 I think I really want to.
好啊 Yeah.
滾開 Get out of here!
抱歉 Sorry.
她決定一起去個包住宿和早餐的旅館 She decided we'd go to a bed-and-breakfast,
因為沒有什么能比精心安排 because nothing alleviates
更能減輕第一次的緊張情緒了 the fear of sex for the first time like a really elaborate plan.
這就像那些80年代校園電影的翻轉版 It was, like, a reversal of those '80s high school movies
片子里女孩說 "德溫 我不能" where the girl is like, "Devin, I can't."
德溫說 "你可以的" And Devin's like, "But you can."
她就像德溫 而我成了莫莉·林沃德 She was Devin, and I was Molly Ringwald.
莫莉·林沃德 美國知名女演員
我覺得初次墜入愛河 I think falling in love for the first time
是一種非凡的體驗 is such a transcendent feeling.
好比吃了披薩味的冰淇淋 You know, it's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream.
大腦根本分析不了那種層次的喜悅 Your brain can't even process that level of joy.
還有人要來嗎 Is there anyone else?
你嗎 來吧 Yeah? Yeah? Come on.
我想說說 餅干怪獸 I was thinking about Cookie Monster, you know?
兒童節目《芝麻街》中的角色
你們說 他是不是 And I was just thinking, like, do you think he,
得了飲食紊亂癥呢 this guy has an eating disorder?
他只吃餅干 Like, all he eats is cookies,
連喉嚨都沒有 and he doesn't even have a throat.
這不是在自欺欺人嗎 You know, like, he's only fooling himself.
還有竹節蟲 聽說過嗎 And I was, like, I was thinking about stick insects, you know?
如果我是一只蟲子 And, like, if I were an insect,
當然 我知道我不是蟲子 I'm not an insect. Like, I know that.
但假如我是一只蟲子 But, like, if I were an insect, like,
我就討厭當竹節蟲 I'd hate to be a stick insect
因為其他昆蟲總是會撞到你 'cause all the other insects are always, like, bumping into you
因為他們不知道你在那兒 'cause they don't know you're there,
而你只能說 "看著點" And you got to just be like, 'Watch it."
他們會說 "你看著像根樹枝" And they're like, "Yeah, you look like a stick."
你會說 "是啊 可我長著眼睛呢" And you're just like, "Yeah, I have eyes."
然后他們說 And they're like,
"你閉著眼呢 更像了" "Yeah, they were closed. More sticks."
我的笑話講完了 That's all the jokes I have.
-太棒了 -是嗎 - That was amazing. - Yeah?
剛剛這是喜劇表演 That was a comedian.
在我們的生活當中 I really feel like our whole lives,
無論多沒自尊 no matter how low our self-esteem gets,
我們心里總是會想 there's some part of us that thinks,
我有一個不為人知的專長 "I have a secret special skill that no one knows about."
最后 我們會碰見一個人對你說 And eventually, we meet someone who's like,
你真是深藏不露啊 "You have a secret special skill."
然后你會說 我知道 你也是 And you're like, "I know. So do you."
我們去吃披薩味的冰淇淋吧 "Let's eat pizza-flavored ice cream together."
這就是愛情 And that's love.
愛情就是堆積如山的披薩味冰淇淋和幻想 It's a mountain of pizza-flavored ice cream, and delusion.
你們舉辦了一場盛大的婚禮嗎 You had a nice, big wedding?
是啊 真的很美好 Yeah, it was really beautiful.
你倆是青梅竹馬嗎 You guys grow up together?
可以這么說吧 You could say so.
我們住在同一個區 We lived in the same borough.
坐火車就能到 Like, one train ride away.
那湯米是個帥小伙嗎 So Tommy's a good-looking guy, huh?
我覺得是 Well, I think so.
你覺得這算一見鐘情嗎 You think it was love at first sight?
絕對是 Absolutely, yeah.
湯米 你最喜歡黛米什么 Tommy, what's your favorite thing about Tammy?
我喜歡黛米的美貌 I like how Tammy's beautiful on the outside.
而當你了解她以后 When you get to know her,
會發現她的心靈更美 you realize she's beautiful on the inside.
遇見湯米之前我不知道什么是白馬王子 Well, I didn't know what Prince Charming was until I met Tommy.
現在我知道了 And now I know what Prince Charming is.
親愛的 這是你錄的嗎 Honey, did you record this?
婚姻童話
正在播放列表
她可能就是喜歡那些節目 She could just like those shows.
沒人會喜歡那種節目吧 I don't think anyone likes those shows.
我就喜歡那種節目 I like those shows.
抱歉 Sorry.
我不明白 I don't know.
抱歉 能幫我拿一下嗎 Sorry. Could you hold this?
沒問題 Yeah.
我就是不明白這有什么大不了的 I just don't understand what the big deal is.
好吧 我也不知道怎么說 Right, like, I, I don't know.
我一直覺得 I just had always assumed
你們倆會結婚 that you guys would get married, you know?
她真的很好 She's amazing.
我想這就是問題所在 I think that's the problem.
爸媽這么覺得 You know, it's like, that's how Mom and Dad feel,
我和艾比的朋友也這么覺得 and that's how me and Abby's friends feel.
所有人都認為我生命中最好的東西 Like, I think everyone thinks the best thing about my life
莫過于我的女朋友 is my girlfriend.
你會沒事的 It's, you're, you're gonna be fine.
聽上去你是需要一些空間了 It sounds to me like you just need a little space.
也許你說得對 Yeah. No, you're probably right.
你倆應該緩和一下 You guys should take a breather.
那是什么意思 What does that even mean now?
讓她去和陌生人做愛嗎 I mean, is it, like, she has sex with some stranger?
差不多 Yes. Probably.
那我可受不了 That's unbearable.
是啊 不過不會讓你知道的 Yeah, but, no, but you would never know about it.
-那更不行了 -我就知道 - That's worse. - I know.
是吧 Right?
有人采取過"無性"緩和嗎 No, do people ever take, like, a "no sex" breather?
這樣可行嗎 Is that something that people could do?
-沒有吧 -有人做過嗎 - No. - Do people have that?
我覺得沒人這么著 No, I don't think anyone has that.
-沒有嗎 好吧 -沒有 - No? Okay. - No.
你應該跟她談談 You should, you should talk to her.
跟她提一提 看她怎么說 Bring it up with her. See what she says.
好吧 Yeah.
不 我...好吧 我會的 No, I...Yeah, I'm gonna do.
今晚在座的有富人嗎 Any wealthy people with us tonight?
有超級富豪嗎 Any ultrarich millionaires?
我看也沒有 I doubt it.
我竟然也已經開始涉足 I've actually begun dipping a few of my own toes
金融領域了 in the financial waters.
我發現我能在不到一周的時間里 I've discovered I can turn $1,000 into $420
把1000美元變成420美元 in less than a week.
我把剩下的錢存在一家網絡銀行 I have the rest of my money in one of these online banks.
還有誰 錢也被套進 Anyone else have money tied up
這些不可靠的機構里嗎 in one of these shady institutions?
沒事吧 潘達米格里奧 Are you okay, Pandamiglio?
沒事 沒事 我很好 Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
你沒事吧 You okay?
沒事 只是 Yeah. Just...
我今天和珍妮特聊了聊 I was just talking to Janet and today.
她有個想法 She, she had this thought.
什么想法 What was the thought?
就是 她說... Um, well, she was saying that...
能給我來杯愛爾蘭威士忌嗎 Can I get a Jameson rocks?
好的 沒問題 Yeah, yeah.
表演不錯 Great set.
我也是個喜劇演員 I, I'm a comedian as well.
我有時也在這兒演出 I perform here sometimes.
再多來點威士忌 Jameson.
好的 Sure.
總之 就是 Anyway, it's...
她有一個想法 她說... She just had this thought where she was just like...
你們好啊 Hey, guys!
好啊 Hello!
這是我們的寶寶 There's our guy.
太可愛了 So adorable.
-是啊 -你好 巴特勒 - Yeah. - Hi, Butler.
好漂亮的靴子 Nice boots.
能請我們兩個喝一杯嗎 Hey, can we get a couple free drinks?
當然可以 Yes. Yeah.
其實 是這樣的 Actually, guys, you know,
馬特和我有點事要談 Matt and I were gonna have a little talk,
所以讓我們先說兩句 so maybe we could just talk for a second,
我馬上就來 and I'll come right back.
其實沒什么大事 It's no big deal, you know?
你們倆是在談話嗎 You guys having, like, a talk-talk?
就像考斯比秀里面那樣嗎 Like a Cosby talk?
考斯比秀 20世紀美國情景喜劇
不 不 其實沒什么 No, no, no. It's not a big deal.
是像"西奧在學校成績不好" Well, is it the, "Theo getting bad grades in school" talk
還是"瓦妮莎的初次約會"那種談話 or the "Vanessa dating for the first time" kind of talk?
不 都不是 Yeah, I think it's neither.
我們可以過后再談 But we can talk later.
不 沒事 我們現在就談 No, it's fine. We can talk now.
稍等我一下 來 Just give me a second. Here.
那好 沒事 我們在那邊等你 Yeah, totally. No, we'll wait over there.
-好的 -一會兒見 - Okay. - Bye.
總之就是... Anyway...
潘達米格里奧 特倫斯還沒來 Pandamiglio, we're still waiting on Terrence to show up.
-你要來一段5分鐘的嗎 -好啊 - You want to do five? - Yeah.
那我馬上請你上臺 I'm gonna bring you on now.
好的 沒問題 Okay. Sure.
我們一會兒再談吧 Um, we can talk later.
-好啊 加油 -我會的 - Okay, have a good set. - All right.
下面這一位 你們可能見過他 You may have seen this next guy
往你們的莫吉托[雞尾酒]里加薄荷 crushing mint into your mojito.
讓我們有請 馬特·潘達米格里奧 Please welcome Matt Pandamiglio.
謝謝 Thanks.
前些天 我在看電視的時候 Um, I was watching TV the other day,
看到了天龍特工隊 and I was watching The A-Team.
20世紀美國經典電視劇
有些時候 我覺得 And I... you know, sometimes I feel like
這些家伙都不怎么用心 these guys aren't even trying, you know?
我覺得 如果你是一個在逃犯 Like, I feel like if you're on the run from the law,
就別動不動穿金戴銀吧 you might want to go easy on the gold chains and feathers.
可能順手牽羊從貨車上拿瓶紅帶啤酒還行 Like, maybe take the red stripe off the van.
只是些想法而已 Just a couple ideas.
他以為你的儲物籃里有只胡狼嗎 So he thought there was a jackal in your hamper?
不是 他把儲物籃當成了胡狼 No, he thought the hamper was a jackal.
這真的很... It was this really...
不過 那個周末 確實挺有壓力 it was really stressful, though, that weekend...
他的父母 親戚都在 his parents and relatives and everything.
我想 他也不是很好過 Just kind of a weird time, I guess.
你們應該也去生個寶寶 Well, you need to get you one of these guys, huh?
一切就迎刃而解了 是吧 彼蒂 That'll fix everything, right, Petey?
對啊 當然了 Yeah, sure.
是嗎 Yeah?
不 是的 No, yeah.
我不知道我是不是準備好了 I don't know if I'm ready for one of these.
我也不知道馬特準備好了沒有 I don't know if Matt is either.
拜托 Come on.
你就告訴他巴特勒需要小伙伴 Just tell him Butler needs buddies.
好吧 我是可以這樣說 Yeah, I could say that.
巴特勒需要小伙伴 Butler needs some buddies.
可是...我從沒說過這種話 That... I would never say that.
下面有請特倫斯·貝利 Please welcome Terrence Bailey, everybody.
特倫斯·貝利 Terrence Bailey.
你真棒 Yay! You were great!
你們也看到了嗎 Did you guys watch?
我們在大學就聽過那些笑話了 We heard those jokes in college, though,
那時候確實很好笑 and they were funny then.
空瓶子給我吧 Um, let me grab your empties.
再來一杯 先生 Uno mas, monsieur.
謝謝了 酒保哥 Thank you, bartender.
謝謝 Gracias.
晚飯后發生了什么呢 "What happened after dinner?"
我們回到家里 "We went back to my place."
然后呢 "Yeah. Then what?"
開始做愛 "Started making out."
然后呢 "Yeah! Then what?"
你好 伙計 Hey, man.
我剛才...我剛才上臺了 I was just... I was just onstage.
表演了一段 Just did my set.
這個行業真是不可理喻 亂七八糟的 This business is insane, psychotic.
你叫什么來著 米克嗎 What's your name again? Mick?
馬特 Matt.
馬克 我在舞臺上光芒萬丈 對吧 Mack, I'm out there onstage killing, right?
是的 Yeah.
可是呢 我在好萊塢的朋友 Meanwhile, I got friends out in Hollywood,
都是些垃圾喜劇演員 爛透了 terrible comics, the worst,
四處模仿 不倫不類的 just leaking this derivative,
迎合那些喜劇白癡 你懂吧 pandering comedic pus, you know?
可他們卻上情景喜劇了 But they're on sitcoms.
的確 Sure.
他們有超大的游泳池 They have infinity pools.
還可以上飛行課 They're taking flying lessons.
我還知道一個家伙有個威浮球體育館 I know a guy with a Wiffle Ball stadium.
威浮球 改良版的棒球游戲
-是嗎 -以前在這里工作過 - Yeah. - Used to work here.
現在他家后院就是個威浮球體育館了 Now he's got a Wiffle Ball stadium as a backyard.
真是惡心 It's malignant.
是啊 Yeah.
我知道你的意思 I know what you mean.
看到那個女人了么 You see that woman over there,
拉著紅色行李箱的邋遢鬼 that mess with the red roller suitcase?
看到了 Yeah.
那是我的經紀人 柯琳 真是沒用 That's my agent, Colleen. Useless.
是啊 Right.
我告訴她 帶我出去吧 I told her, "Get me out of here.
帶我到處走走 給我弄幾個演出機會 Get me on the road. Get me some gigs out there."
結果她給我預約了六場演出 在五個州 Comes back to me with six gigs spread across five states.
150美元一晚上 $150 a night.
太可悲了 Pathetic.
你好啊 伊恩 Hey, Ian, hi.
你好 柯琳 你好嗎 Hey, Colleen, how are you?
謝謝你上周安排的演出 Thanks a lot for those gigs last week.
不用客氣 Hey, no problem.
好吧 我要走了 Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go.
我明天和你聯系 Maybe I'll give you a buzz tomorrow.
好啊 好的 All right. That'll be nice. Okay.
你好 我是馬特 Hey, I'm Matt.
你好 馬特 Hey, Matt.
你好嗎 How are you?
很好 Good.
我...我看見你上臺了 I... I saw you onstage.
是嗎 真好 Yeah. Cool. Cool.
是啊 Yeah.
對了 那個 Well, yeah, hey,
如果你有什么 小型演出的機會 if there's ever any, like, small gigs or...
或是別的什么...我都可以去 or anything really kind of... I'm around,
就和你說一聲 just so you know.
你能表演多長時間呢 Yeah, well, how much time can you do?
我也不清楚 I don't know.
大概15分鐘左右吧 Probably, like, 15 minutes or so.
而且他特別擅長主持 And he's great at hosting.
他一直都在這兒主持節目 He hosts here all the time.
在大學也有 你也預約大學的演出嗎 And colleges, do you ever book colleges?
有過幾次 A few, yeah.
他很受大學生歡迎 Yeah, he's great with college students.
他們都喜歡他 覺得和他很有共鳴 They love him. They find him very relatable.
來 給你 馬特 Well, here, Matt.
如果你想坐下來談談 Call me when you have...
可以和我聯系 when you want to sit down and talk.
好啊 Okay.
好極了 Great.
好的 再見 Yeah. See you. Bye.
潘達米格里奧 衛生間里出了點狀況 Pandamiglio, we got a situation in the bathroom.
你快拿個絨毛拖把來 You're gonna need the fuzzy mop.
好的 Okay.
謝謝你幫我說服那個經紀人 Thanks for helping out with the agent stuff.
你總是能很清楚地表達你想要什么 You're just much better at telling people what you want.
巴特勒真可愛 是不是 God, Butler really is adorable, huh?
巴特勒是誰啊 Which one's Butler?
巴特勒 Butler.
巴特勒 那個小寶寶巴特勒 Butler, the... Butler the baby.
對了 那個寶寶 剛才我們見到的 The baby, yeah, yeah, the little baby we saw.
對啊 不 我想我是沒怎么放心上 Yeah, no, I think I blocked that out
因為我有點怕小寶寶 'cause I have this fear of babies.
我總是擔心 Like, I always get worried...
如果我抱著個孩子 like, what happens if I'm holding the baby
孩子死了 怎么辦 and then the baby just dies, you know?
我就害死了這個孩子 And then I killed the baby.
好吧 Right.
而且 你知道的 And then... and... you know...
也許在那之后 你就不能 Yeah, you're probably not gonna get,
收到圣誕禮物了 like, a Christmas present after that.
確實如此 Exactly.
他們會說 我們要給馬特送什么呢 Then, 'cause they'd be like, "What do we get Matt?
什么也不送 他害死了寶寶 Nothing. He killed the baby."
再如果 我想要領養一個寶寶 And then if I ever want to, like, adopt a baby,
他們會問我 你有沒有害死過小寶寶呢 they'll be like, "Have you ever killed a baby?"
我只能說 好像有 And I'd just be like, "Kind of."
是啊 Yeah.
你覺得巴特勒是不是需要些小伙伴 Do you think Butler needs some buddies?
什么 What?
我不知道 I don't know.
我只是在想 也許巴特勒需要個小伙伴 I was just thinking maybe Butler could use a buddy.
我覺得他的伙伴肯定不少 I think he's got a lot of buddies.
他看起來很... He seems like he's very...
不 他很可憐的 No. He's a loser.
他一個朋友都沒有 He doesn't have any friends.
不 他朋友多得數不清 No, he's got a million friends.
我每天都在街上看見他 I see him on the street every day.
好吧 什么時候 Okay, well, someday,
我們也許可以給他生個小伙伴 we'll probably make him a friend,
所以我們今晚就來練習一下吧 so we may as well practice tonight.
你知道 我曾經一個人練習過的 You know, I've been practicing on my own.
你這是干什么 What are you doing?
我不知道 I don't know.
我只是 I'm just, like, um...
我現在不想做 我的大腦不想 I'm just, like, not into this right now, intellectually.
你的大腦 你說真的嗎 Intellectually? Are you serious?
算是吧 Kind of.
你呢 Are you?
算是吧 Kind of.
我今天和珍妮特聊了聊 I was... I was talking to Janet today,
她告訴我 去年 and she was saying that, last year,
她和菲利普緩和了一陣子 she and Philip took a breather
讓他們之間更親密了 and that it was, like, it made them closer.
什么 What?
不 她只是這么說了一下 No, it was just, like, this thing that she said.
我覺得還挺有意思的 I just thought it was interesting.
你是想說我們也要那樣嗎 Are you saying you think we should do that?
不 不 不 我不是這個意思 No, no, no. I'm saying they did that.
你是想去和別的女人做愛嗎 Do you want to have sex with other people?
不是 No.
那你想要我去找別的男人嗎 You want me to have sex with other people?
不 不是 No. No.
我覺得 他們那應該叫"無性"緩和 I think theirs was, like, a "No sex" breather.
太荒唐了 That's ridiculous.
如果你不想和一個人在一起 If you don't want to be with a person,
就應該直接分手 you should just break up with 'em.
我也是這么說的 And that's what I said.
你成功了 馬特 You did it, Matt.
第三名 Third place.
第三名 什么第三名 Third place? In what?
我都不知道這是個比賽 I didn't even know this was a competition.
不然我會好好準備一下的 I would have had more preparation.
什么第三名 Third place in what?
吸塵器大賽 DustBustering.
馬特 我們好像搞錯了 Matt, it looks like there's been a mistake.
你其實是第一名 You actually got first place.
你真美 You're so beautiful.
你應該站上去 You have to move.
謝謝 Thank you!
馬特 Matt?
艾比 Abby...
發生什么事了 What happened?
我得了第一名 I got first place.
我去給你拿創可貼 I'll go get a Band-Aid.
我記得 這是我第一次意識到 This is the first time I remember thinking,
好像確實挺危險的 "Well, this seems dangerous.
也許我該去看一下醫生 Maybe I should see a doctor."
然后我又想 我還是吃晚餐吧 And then I thought, "Maybe I'll eat dinner."
于是我就去吃晚餐了 And I went with dinner.
對了 還有一件事 And there's one more thing.
我游泳俱樂部里那個伊萊恩 Elaine from my swim club
買了一個電飯煲 bought a rice cooker.
行了 親愛的 Thank you, dear.
我要告訴他們 因為... Well, I'm just telling them because...
-我知道 -其實... - I know. - It's part of...
你們有了...他們有電飯煲了 You have... they have a rice cooker.
謝謝 Thank you.
這個公寓真不錯 Well, we love the apartment.
是的 Yeah.
是啊 是啊 Yeah, yeah.
-謝謝你 -謝謝 - Thank you. - Thanks.
你們有打算裝修一下嗎 You gonna fix it up?
有啊 我們想先粉刷一下 Um, yeah, well, we want to paint,
再準備點窗簾什么的 and we want to maybe get some curtains and that kind of thing.
忙死了 Very busy!
我不得不說 真是太完美了 I think it's perfect. I have to say.
琳達 上甜點吧 Linda, the dessert.
-我們沒準備甜點 -別吵 - We're not having dessert. - Hush.
你媽媽在網上訂了一個蛋糕 Your mother ordered a cake from the internet.
坐下吧 Now sit.
拿幾個盤子來 Need some plates.
馬特 我們 So, Matt, we...
我們聽說了吸塵器奧運會的事 We heard about the DustBuster Olympics.
你知道的 其實... You know, it's...
琳達 你能不能...你包里有一本書 Linda, can you get... you have the book in your purse.
幫我拿一下好嗎 Could you get the book for me, please?
這是我特意給你挑的 Yeah, I picked this up for you.
《睡眠的承諾》 "The Promise of Sleep".
我自己也弄了一本 Got one for myself as well.
謝謝 Thanks.
馬特 可以給我看看嗎 Matt, can I see?
真好 潘達米格里奧醫生 That's great, Dr. Pandamiglio.
這正是我們需要的 That's exactly the kind of thing we need.
有一些危險狀況 There are some dangerous situations
是你可能會遇到的 you can get yourself into.
你應該去找個專科醫生看看 You ought to see a specialist.
小問題而已 It was very minor.
這可不是小問題 It wasn't minor.
我給萊塞姆醫生打了個電話 Well, I put in a call to Dr. Latham.
他恰好從事睡眠方面的研究 He conducts these overnight sleep studies.
謝謝你 爸爸 但我現在真的很忙 I appreciate it, Dad, but right now I'm really busy.
忙什么 拿紙巾折三角形玩嗎 With what, folding napkins into triangles?
我覺得這個話題不適合在餐桌上談 This just doesn't seem like a dinner conversation to me.
馬修 你說你會去看醫生 You know, Matthew, you say you're gonna go see the doctor;
可你沒有 You don't.
你說你想成為喜劇演員 You say you want to be a comedian;
可你現在卻是個酒保 You're a bartender.
你就不能定個計劃好好堅持下去嗎 I mean, pick a goddamn plan and stick with it.
他開玩笑的 只是他沒你那么幽默 He's kidding, but he's not as funny as you.
你不夠幽默 You're not that funny.
不過好在 But the good news is,
這一行和幽默沒什么關系 this business has nothing to do with funny.
這兒有幾所大學 Some of these colleges,
我可以安排華麗閃耀的燈光 I could book a shining, blinking light
或者從天花板上往下撒彩屑 or some confetti falling from the ceiling,
那些孩子其實看不出有什么區別 and most of these kids wouldn't know the difference, really.
是的 Right.
說實話 馬特 以你現在的資歷 So, you know, the truth is, Matt, that at your level,
我可能幫不上什么忙 I don't have very much right now.
不過 再等個一兩年吧 But give it a year or two.
我們保持聯系 Stay in touch.
不管什么演出 我都愿意上 Yeah, I'll do any show.
我也知道 我現在沒有什么資歷 You know, I know I'm, like, level zero.
每周二我在特倫頓都預約了一夜演出 Well, I book a one-nighter in Trenton on Tuesdays.
特倫頓 新澤西州首府
但基本是大牌明星才上得了 But it's mostly headliners.
今晚在北部的一所大學也有一場 And I have this gig at a college upstate tonight.
我正想找人去... I was gonna book someone...
好啊 我是說 我愿意去 Yeah. I mean, I could do that.
是 我知道 Yeah, I know.
可是出場費只有170美元 But, you know, it only pays $170.
這點錢只夠付過路費和油費了 And that's probably what it would cost you in tolls and gas.
再說了 你有車嗎 I mean, do you even have a car?
有啊 Yeah.
你真想去嗎 You want it?
是的 Yeah.
好吧 All right.
你應該早說你有車的 Should have told me you had a car.
羅比 Hey, Robbie.
聽著 我這有一個很棒的人 Listen, I have this fantastic guy for you.
馬特 Matt...
潘達米格里奧 Pandamiglio.
潘達 皮革里奧 Panda-piglio.
不是 No.
可幽默了 Hilarious.
繼續直行 Continue straight.
下背部肌肉完全放松 Release all that tension that's down there in that lower back
平日里這里總是壓力過大 that we hold on to so tightly.
深深呼吸山林里的新鮮空氣 Breathe that mountain air into your lungs.
現在放出些聲音 And then release some sound.
好的 Yeah.
現在我們來放松一下唇部 Let's do some gentle lip trills.
聽我說 Hey, listen to this.
上回那個經紀人 柯琳 That agent we met, Colleen,
今晚為我安排了一場演出 booked me at a gig for tonight.
出場費170美元 It pays 170 bucks.
是嗎 Yeah?
什么樣的演出啊 在哪里 What is it? Where is it?
在尤蒂卡的一所大學 It's at this college in Utica.
尤蒂卡 紐約州中部城市
你現在在哪 Where are you?
我紐約州收費公路上 I'm on the New York State Thruway.
誰開的車 Who's driving?
我自己開 Me.
繼續直行 Continue straight.
等等 你給羅恩打電話了嗎 Wait, did you call Ron?
打給他干嘛 For what?
你不是今晚要上班嗎 Aren't you supposed to be working dinner tonight?
我完全忘記了 I totally forgot.
好吧 先掛了 我愛你 Okay, all right, I love you.
好 再見 All right, bye.
尤尼安酒吧 Union Hall.
你好 羅恩 我是馬特 Hey, Ron, it's Matt.
潘達米格里奧 你在哪呢 Pandamiglio, where are you?
我...聽我說 I'm, well, listen.
今晚我不能去上班了 I can't do my dinner shift tonight.
你這是什么意思 What do you mean?
是這樣 我有一場演出 付費演出 Well, I got, like, a gig, like, a paid gig.
你本來就有演出 You have a gig.
叫做吧臺服務 It's called bartending.
我可以找個人替我 Yeah, look. I can get someone to fill in.
我打幾個電話就好 Let me just make some calls.
得了吧 還是算了 You know what? Forget it.
我自己來 I'll do it myself.
左拐至"大學大倒" Turn left on University Boulevard.
你沒讀對 是"大道" Ha, you don't know how to pronounce "Boulevard."
好美的校園 This is a pretty campus.
很好 It's nice.
是啊 我們喜歡這里 Yeah, we like it.
我們忘記已經請了喜劇演員了 So we kind of forgot we booked a comedian.
現在又請了你 另外我們有個假唱比賽 So now we've got you and this lip sync contest.
好吧 Okay.
我想你可以來主持這個假唱比賽 So I guess you could host the lip sync contest.
你還是可以自己表演 怎樣都行 You could still do your act or whatever
只要能介紹參賽選手就可以 but just introduce the contestants.
這種比賽現在很流行 It's a very popular event.
聽起來不錯 That sounds great.
好極了 Great.
你們知道 這個比賽本來很流行的 You know, this used to be a very popular event.
去年有19位參賽者 Last year, there were 19 entries to this contest.
可今年 只有兩位 And this year, there are two.
我們本不是一定要辦這個比賽的 And, you know, we don't have to have this contest
如果你們不愿意 我們大可不必 if you don't want to have it.
這比賽不是為我自己辦的 I'm not doing it for me.
而是為了你們 I'm doing it for you.
有請著名喜劇演員馬特·潘達皮革里奧 And now the big comedian, Matt Pandapiglio.
你們好 Hey...
其實我的名字并不是那樣 That's not really my name.
不過... But...
你們準備好假唱了嗎 You're all ready to lip sync?
我聽不到你們的聲音 I can't hear you.
拿假唱開個玩笑而已[假唱不發聲] That's my lip sync joke.
有請第一位參賽者 希拉里·賈妮柯 Well, please welcome our first contestant, Hilary Garnick!
后街男孩歌曲《I Want It That Way》
每當我說 When I say
我想要一如既往 I want it that way
如今我們 Well, we
卻在兩個世界 Are two worlds
彼此分離 Apart
不能觸到 Can't reach to
你的心跳 Your heart
每當你說 When you say
我想要一如既往 That I want it that way
告訴我為什么 Tell me why
一切消失 空留念想 Ain't nothin' but a...
你是個喜劇演員啊 太酷了 It's so cool that you're a comedian.
我是說 我根本想象不來 I mean, I can't even imagine that.
你的工作就是講笑話 是嗎 You know, your whole job's to tell jokes, right?
你是怎么做到的啊 How do you even do that?
我也不知道 I don't even know.
給你的 Here you go.
我想要一如既往 I want it that way
我是不是 Am I
你的火光 Your fire
你的 Your one
希望 Desire
我知道 Yes, I know
太遲了 It's too late
可我還想一如既往 But I want it that way
告訴我為什么 Tell me why
一切消失 空留念想 Ain't nothin' but a heartache
告訴我為什么 Tell me why
一切不過 是場錯誤 Ain't nothin' but a mistake
大衛和跟隨他的人卻在瑪云曠野 "David and his men were in the Wilderness of Maon
南邊的亞拉巴 in the plain on the south of Jeshimon."
圣經舊約撒母耳記上23:24
我想要一如既往 I want it that way
披薩小屋 Pizza Shack.
請問你們把披薩切成方形還是三角形 Hey, do you cut your slices into triangles or squares?
三角形 Triangles.
好極了 Okay, good.
圖片里畫的像方形 In the picture, it looked like squares.
不論天涯 不論海角 No matter the distance
我想要你知曉 I want you to know
在我內心深處 That deep down inside...
車子安全開回市區了吧 So I guess the car made it back to the city?
是的 是的 Yeah. Yeah.
好的 Okay...
那本書 你有在看嗎 Well, well, have you read any of the book yet?
謝謝 有啊 Thanks. Um, yeah.
我看到一個挺有意思的章節 Well, I'm reading this interesting section.
寫的是 為了避免這些情況 It says that to avoid these kinds of situations,
應該把睡覺看做一個逐漸平靜的過程 you need to think of sleep as a gradual power-down.
睡前幾小時 關掉手機 So a few hours before bed, turn off your phone,
關掉新聞 關掉網絡 turn off the news, the internet,
不要吃大餐 and don't eat big meals.
是啊 當然 Yeah, definitely.
馬修 我帶你試試芳香療法吧 Matthew, I'm gonna get you some aromatherapy, okay?
真要命 琳達 Damn it, Linda.
你給我把電話掛掉 Hang up the goddamn phone.
-你喊什么 -你喊什么呢 - Why are you yelling? - Why are you yelling?
好了 我幫你預約好了 All right, look, I made you an appointment.
6月20號去萊塞姆醫生那里做睡眠檢查 with Dr. Latham for a sleep study on June 20th.
好吧 我可以自己預約的 爸爸 Okay, I could have done that myself, Dad.
我可以打電話過去 I can call.
沒事 我約好了 It's okay. I made it.
你記下了嗎 20號 Did you write it down, the 20th?
記下了 Yeah.
我覺得你沒有 I don't think you're writing it.
-我又記了一遍 -很好 - I wrote it again. - Good.
晚安 多睡一會兒 You have a good night. Try to get some sleep.
好的 謝了 老爸 All right. Thanks, Dad.
好 再見 All right, bye.
聽聽這個 柯琳發給我的 Hey, listen to this, from Colleen.
我們明晚在喜劇俱樂部有一個演出 "We had a fall-out at a comedy club tomorrow night
在佛蒙特州 伯靈頓 "In Burlington, Vermont.
演出費50美元 "Pays 50 bucks."
這可真不錯 This is amazing.
很好啊 Cool.
那你星期天才能回來嗎 So you'll be home Sunday, then?
我想是的 Yeah, I think so.
而且我將為馬爾克·穆爾赫倫做開場 And listen to this. I get to open for Marc Mulheren.
伯靈頓喜劇工廠
伯靈頓離這兒有多遠 How far is Burlington?
大概... It's, um...
不算太遠 It's on the way.
先這樣吧 愛你 All right, love you.
這是什么意思 What do you mean by that?
你能把我送到 Um, would it be possible for you
伯靈頓的喜劇工廠嗎 to take me to The Comedy Factory in Burlinton?
不行 No.
我只能送你到前面的車庫 I can take you to the garage down the road.
好吧 All right.
聽著 Um, listen.
我要趕不上演出了 所以 I'm really late for this gig, so, like,
如果你方便的話... if there's anything I can do, like...
好吧 Well... okay.
要這么多嗎 Is that how much it costs?
勉強夠 This is fine.
好吧 All right.
告訴你一件事 柯琳問我 One thing I should tell you is that Colleen had asked me
能不能表演30分鐘 if I could perform 30 minutes of comedy for this gig.
我本該說 Now, what I should have said was,
我準備的材料最多只能說11分鐘 "I only have about 11 minutes of material, tops."
而我卻告訴她 沒問題 And what I did say was, "Yeah."
那個創可貼也是你表演的一部分嗎 So is that Band-aid part of the act?
不是嗎 不是那種磕破頭的笑話嗎 No? You're not the head wound comic?
這不是你的笑點嗎 It's not your tag?
比如每個笑話后面都說 我把頭磕破了 You know, "I got a head wound," after every joke?
是這樣嗎 Is that you?
不是 我必須跟你說實話 No, look, I got to be honest with you.
她想讓我表演半小時 She wants me to do a half hour.
而我只有10分鐘的材料 I only have, like, ten minutes of material.
我不知道該怎么辦 I don't know what I'm gonna do.
是嗎 天啊 Really? Wow.
你得想辦法說夠半小時 伙計 You're gonna have to fill out that time somehow, man.
來點互動什么的 和觀眾交流一下 Do some crowd work. Talk to the audience.
拿他們開開玩笑 Make fun of people.
每次我拿人開玩笑 就要挨揍 Whenever I make fun of people, they punch me.
馬特 你要準備上了 Matt, we're bringing you on now.
臺上可別這樣 Don't do that onstage.
多謝 Thanks.
除非是要結束的時候 Unless it's your closer.
我想說說 餅干怪獸 I was thinking about Cookie Monster, you know?
你們說這家伙是不是有飲食紊亂癥啊 And do you think this guy's got an eating disorder, you know?
衣裳不錯 窩囊廢 Nice shirt, loser.
抱歉 Sorry.
其實我挺喜歡的 No, I like it.
這衣服不錯 It's nice.
抱歉 Sorry.
我這星期看了很多電視節目 Anyway, I was watching a lot of TV this week.
你說你對孩子們做的那些 是真的嗎 Is that bit you do about teenagers really real?
是啊 Yeah.
你干得不錯 伙計 Hey, you did okay, man.
真的嗎 Yeah?
其實 說不錯是太客氣了 Well, you know. "Okay" is kind of a strong word, but...
說實話挺糟的 you tanked.
我覺得挺好笑 不過因為我是喜劇演員 I thought it was funny, but I'm a comic.
思維就不正常 所以... I'm sick, so...
-是啊 -是啊 - Yeah. - Yeah.
我明白 Right.
你要一直對自己說 我很迷人 You just got to keep telling yourself you're killing,
一切就會慢慢成形的 and it will all fall into place.
你會找到感覺的 You'll figure it out.
多謝 Thanks.
你結婚了嗎 You married or...
沒有 Um, no.
我...算是吧 I... well, kind of.
我...我也不知道 I... I don't know.
我有個女朋友 是很認真的感情 I have a girlfriend but... it's serious, you know.
只不過... It's just...
其實...我們在一起很長時間了 You know, it's... we've been together for a long time.
-你還好嗎 伙計 -我沒事 - You all right, man? - Yeah, yeah.
只不過...我只是...我決定 It's just, you know... I'm just... I've decided
我暫時先不結婚 除非我能確定 I'm not gonna get married until I'm sure
我不會再碰上別的好事了 that nothing else good can happen in my life.
你該把這個拿到臺上說 You should say that onstage.
是啊 Yeah.
在家里說就不行了 That wouldn't go over so well at home.
可我們不是在家里 We're not at home.
你結婚了嗎 Are you married?
算是吧 Kind of.
柯琳 Hey, Colleen.
聽著 昨晚你的演出反響不錯 Hey, listen, we got great feedback on you last night.
真的嗎 Yeah?
其實不是 Well, no, not really.
但是馬爾克推薦讓你上一個演出 But Marc recommended you for a gig
20號 在費城 in Philadelphia on the 20th.
真的嗎 他喜歡我的表演嗎 Yeah? He liked my act?
不是 Well, no. no.
但他覺得... But he thought it would be...
他覺得你的表演可以 he thought you'd be great
為其他喜劇演員擋槍 taking the bullet for other comedians.
那也好 That's great.
20號 好吧 The 20th, yeah.
好吧 That's great.
那好 Well, cool.
我把其它信息用郵件發給你 好嗎 Listen, I'll email you the details, okay?
我...我在動物園的時候 我... I was... I was at the zoo, and I...
有一個...是在國家動物園 One of... I was at The National Zoo,
那里有熊貓 and they have the panda bear there,
大概叫玲玲 可能是從中國來的 you know, Ling-Ling, I think, is from China.
讓大熊貓之間進行交配 You know, they're having a hard time
是很困難的事 他們... getting the pandas to mate, you know, they...
他們想讓熊貓們進行交配 trying to get them to mate with each other.
下一個 Next.
好吧 Okay.
我最近和我女朋友 I've been having some issues in my relationship
感情有點問題 with my girlfriend lately, where, like...
我覺得她很想結婚 I think she wants to get married, you know?
但我覺得我還不應該結婚 除非我確定 And I've decided I shouldn't get married until I'm sure
我不會再碰上別的好事了 that nothing else good can happen in my life.
我和我女朋友 擔心的事情不一樣 And, you know, my girlfriend and I worry about different things.
有一天我問她 你最害怕什么 You know, one day I said, "What do you fear most?"
她說 我怕你跑去找別人 And she said, "I fear you'll meet someone else
害怕你離開我 剩我一個人 and you'll leave me and I'll be all alone."
她又問我 你最害怕什么 And she said, "What do you fear most?"
我說 我怕熊 And I said, "Bears."
謝了 伙計 Thanks, man.
今晚干得不錯 Yeah. Nice work tonight.
多謝 Thanks.
23美元 就這... $23? Is that...
不是我想耍賴 可我覺得是50美元 I don't want to be a dick, but I thought it was $50.
那是票賣光了的話 That was if we sold out.
31張付費票 25張贈票 31 paid, 25 comps.
一共360美元 一半用來付場地費 That's $360 with a 50-50 house split.
主角演出費150美元 I've got to pay the headliner $150.
剩下的給你 You get the rest.
那應該有30美元 That's still, like, 30 bucks.
炸雞條7美元 7 bucks for the chicken fingers.
我才不為這破炸雞條付錢 I'm not paying for those fucking chicken fingers.
你還真有臉把這個賣給客人 You should be ashamed to charge people for those.
好吧 All right.
-謝了 -沒事 - Thanks. - Yeah.
演出怎么樣 How'd it go?
很棒 It was great.
我認識了很多其他喜劇演員 Like, I met all these other comics.
還試了試新的段子 I tried out all this new material.
你要是在 肯定會為我驕傲的 You would have been really proud.
我聽不太清楚 Hey, I can't really hear you.
新段子講什么的 What was the new material?
就是... It was just, like...
有很多東西 it was, like, a lot of stuff.
我改天和你說 你現在在哪兒 I'll tell you about it later, but where are you?
我們在漢娜發現的一家酒吧里 We're... no, we're all at this bar that Hannah found.
我們在玩 酒后胡言 We're playing Drunkerdash.
那是什么 What's that?
就是胡言亂語...只不過要先喝醉 It's... you know, it's just Balderdash but drunk.
我為胡說八道想出一個絕妙的定義 I came up with a really good definition for codswallop.
什么 What?
胡說八道 Codswallop!
-什么 -看你能不能選對 - What? - See if you can get it.
聽著 Here.
A 一種冰島獨有的巖層 A, a rock formation found only in Iceland,
還是 B 一種膠著狀態 or, B, a sticky situation.
我知道 I knew it.
我知道這個 I knew that.
我不信 You didn't know.
我真的知道 Yes, I did.
你要知道 早說出來了 You should have said it, then.
我剛才去點薯條了 I was ordering fries.
你在跟我說話嗎 Are you talking to me?
不 是戴夫 No. That's just Dave.
你一定要見見他 You got to meet him.
如果我們都到外面去 If you go outside and I'll go outside,
就都能聽清楚了 then maybe we can hear each other better.
寶貝 我...真的聽不太清楚 Babe, I... I really can't hear you.
好吧...我待會兒打給你 Okay... I'll talk to you later.
我再來說個笑話 各位 Hey, I'll have another one, you guys.
實際上 他根本沒有停車... The thing is, he definitely does not have a parking...
有一次 有兩個正統猶太人 I actually had a crazy gig once where these two orthodox Jews
邀請我去他們的藝術館表演 had asked me if I would perform at, like, their art gallery.
是嗎 Yeah.
他們跟我說現場會有幾百人 They told me there were gonna be hundreds of people there.
然后我就去了 結果... And then I go, and it's just...
-我能來一塊嗎 -當然 - Is it okay? - Yeah, yeah, go for it.
就在他們公寓 觀眾只有他們自己 It's just their apartment, and it's just them.
所以那根本不算是個演出 Yeah. So it wasn't, like, a show.
-當然不是 -就像是對話 - No. - It was like a conversation.
更像是場沉默的對話 It was more like a quiet conversation.
我有一次演出 I did this one show.
美國家居建材用品零售商
是在家得寶的一個停車場 It was in the parking lot of a Home Depot.
我們的觀眾都是 The only people we're performing for
在那附近閑逛的外來工人 are, like, the migrant workers who are just hanging out there.
我最后一個上場 I'm going up last,
眼看著每個演員都搞砸了 簡直糟透了 and I'm watching every other comic just eat it, just tank.
但是我覺得 But I'm thinking, like,
我很想得到現場觀眾的響應 I want to get some response from these people.
我應該來個精彩的結尾 Like, I should close strong.
我說句什么西語吧 What Spanish do I know?
我想 我知道了 And I'm like, "I know."
可以說 移民萬歲 I'll say, 'Long live the immigrant.'
我就說 好了伙計們 今晚真開心 And I'm like, "All right, everybody, this has been fun."
Viva La Migra[西語] "Viva La Migra,"
而這句其實意思是 移民局警察萬歲 which is, "Long live the immigration police."
我要在朋友這里借宿一晚 Yeah, so I'm just gonna crash with these guys tonight.
我...我明天早上到家 And I will be... yeah, I'll be home in the morning.
好吧 All right.
好 我愛你 All right, I love you.
再見 Bye.
伙計 感覺怎么樣 Hey, man, how you feeling?
我很好 很好 I'm good. I'm good.
我只是...只是撐著了 I'm just... I'm stuffed.
你知道 披薩 還有... You know, that pizza and...
是啊 我也是 Yeah, me too.
不過那披薩很不錯 我很喜歡 It's good, though. I love it.
-是啊 -吃飽了好睡覺 - Yeah. - Helps me sleep.
是啊 Yeah.
你知道那種頸枕吧 You know how they have those neck pillows
就是飛機上用的那種 that they have on the plane that people wear?
我想如果你有個用披薩做的頸枕 I think it'd be great if you had one of those,
那該有多棒 你就可以坐著 but it's made out of pizza, and so you just sit there
啃著披薩 然后就睡著了 and gnaw on the pizza and then fall asleep with that.
是啊 這主意真不錯 Yeah, that's a really good idea.
我要試著用這編個笑話 Yeah, I'm gonna try to do something with it.
順便說一下 我覺得琳恩對你有意思 No, hey, by the way, I think Lynn is digging you, man.
琳恩 Lynn?
-是啊 -是嗎 - Yeah. - Yeah.
我覺得如果你愿意 可以和她發展發展 I think you could make out with her if you wanted to.
不行 我有女朋友了 Yeah, no, I have a girlfriend.
-真的嗎 -是的 - You really do? - Yeah.
所以那些笑話都是真的... So all those jokes are true or...
是啊 是真的 Yeah. Yeah.
她聽過那些笑話嗎 Has she heard the jokes?
沒有 No.
你應該跟她提一提 No, you should probably mention it.
我給我老爸寫信 I wrote a letter to my dad.
我本來想寫 我真的很喜歡這里 I was gonna write, "I really enjoy being here,"
但我不小心把"真的"寫成了"從不" but I accidentally wrote "Rarely" Instead of "Really".
但我想就這么寫 And I wanted to use it.
不想劃掉 I didn't want to cross it out.
所以我就寫 我從不開汽船 老爸 So I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad.
對于我 你還有很多不了解的 "Theres a lot of shit you don't know about me.
別搞得好像我是開汽船的 Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator."
為什么把眼鏡摘了 Why'd you take off your glasses?
因為如果我們真要這么做 Just 'cause if we're really gonna do this,
我不想把你看得太清楚 I don't want to be able to see you.
好吧... Okay...
我不知道這合不合適 I don't know if this is such a good idea.
我有女朋友了 I have a girlfriend.
馬特 Matt...
順其自然 好嗎 This just is what it is, you know?
我們已經到這一步了 We're here.
你真的不想體驗一把 Are you really gonna deny yourself the experience
活在當下的感覺嗎 of just being in the present?
我想是的 I guess so.
這會讓你舒服點 This will make you more comfortable.
這是什么 What is that?
是個披薩枕頭 It's a pizza pillow.
真不錯 It's very good.
喜歡嗎 Yeah, you like it?
我喜歡這醬汁 Yeah. I like the sauce.
是吧 要再來點... Yeah? Do you want more...
是啊 這醬汁真的不錯 The sauce is very good, yeah.
這醬汁可好了 Yeah, it is good sauce.
想要再來點醬汁嗎 Do you want more sauce?
好啊 再來點醬汁 Yeah, more sauce.
好的... Okay...
我去再給你拿點醬汁 I'll go get you more sauce.
好的 Okay.
我愛這醬汁 Hey, I love the sauce.
這可真不錯 It is very good sauce.
喜歡這醬汁嗎 Do you like the sauce?
太辣了 It's too hot!
這醬汁太辣了 The sauce is too hot!
太辣了 It's too hot!
我喜歡這醬汁 但是太辣了 The... I like the sauce, but it's too hot!
干什么呢 伙計 Hey, what are you doing, man?
你是在洗澡嗎 Are you taking a shower?
是啊 Yeah.
不好意思 Sorry about that.
剛剛做了個怪夢 Just had a weird dream.
是嗎 你不應該 Yeah, well, you know, you're not supposed
那樣把夢表現出來 to actually act them out like that.
夢就和電影一樣 懂嗎 They're like movies, you know?
看著就是了 You just sort of watch them.
馬特 我這有一連串的演出可以讓你去 Matt, I got a run of dates for you.
會很痛苦 不過 It's gonna hurt, but you'll make
6天的演出你能賺900美元 about 900 bucks for six days of shows.
那太棒了 That sounds perfect.
在哈特福德 坎頓 蘭卡斯特... Well, it's Hartford, Canton, Lancaster...
我覺得她很想結婚 And I think that she wants to get married.
但我覺得我還不應該結婚 除非我確定 And I just decided I shouldn't get married until I'm sure
我不會再碰上別的好事了 that nothing else good can happen in my life.
你們知道 我就是害怕 You know, I mean, I just have this fear
害怕婚姻會像上學一樣 that marriage might be like school.
當你還很小的時候 你會想 You know how when you're real little and you think,
有一天我也要去上學 "Maybe some day I'll get to go to school."
而到你真的上學了 And then you go to school,
才第一周 你就開始想 and that first week, you're just like,
我還要上多久的學啊 "How much longer do I have to go to school?"
大人就會說 還要上17年 And they're like, "17 more years."
你就會說 不是吧 And you're like, "Oh, no."
柯琳讓我上 Colleen booked me.
很不錯 是吧 It's good, right?
我是說 這樣...這樣行嗎 I mean, is that... is that cool?
行啊 挺好的 Yeah. Yeah.
真為你高興 That's gonna be great for you.
很棒 Great.
真的很不錯 對嗎 Yeah, it's good, right?
你要來看嗎 Do you want to come?
去蘭卡斯特嗎 To Lancaster?
還是不了 I'm good.
我父母已經在一起40年了 這很... My parents have been together 40 years, which is...
是啊 但那實在是太長了 Yeah, no, but it's too long.
我想 最早發明婚姻的人 I think if the people who invented marriage
如果知道一結婚就是40年 knew that people were gonna be married 40 years,
他們肯定會說 這可不是我們想要的 they'd be like, "Well, this isn't what we intended at all."
那時的人最多也就活到40歲 You know, back then, people only lived to be 40,
如果走運的話 if they were lucky.
他們就會不解 They'd be so confused.
他們會說 他們倆是一出生就結婚了嗎 They'd be like, "When were they married, as babies?"
我可不贊同孩子一出生就結婚 "I don't approve of babies marrying one another."
你們想過這問題嗎 Like, you ever think about that?
你好 Hello?
你好 馬特 Hi, Matt,
我是萊塞姆醫生辦公室的丹恩 it's Dawn from Dr. Latham's office.
今天的睡眠檢查你沒來 You missed your sleep study.
是啊 抱歉 Right. Sorry.
我能兩分鐘后打給你嗎 Okay, listen, can I call you back in, like, two minutes?
好的 Sure.
你們想過嗎 沒準在將來 You ever think about that, that maybe in the future,
婚姻會和離婚一樣糟糕 marriage will be the new divorce?
人們會說 我活的一團糟 People will be like, "Yeah, I'm pretty messed up.
我父母還在一起 My parents are still together."
然后其他人會說 那可太糟糕了 And people will be like, "Wow, sounds really hard.
他們只結過一次婚嗎 Is it a first marriage?"
他們會說 是啊 And they'll be like, "Yeah."
我總是害怕人與人之間 I always have this fear in relationships
會由彼此相愛變成彼此相恨 that I'm gonna love someone and then eventually hate them.
在我講這段故事之前 Before I tell you this part of the story,
我要提醒你們 你們可站在我這邊 I want to remind you that you're on my side.
多謝各位 Thank you guys very much.
謝謝你們 I really appreciate it.
謝謝 Thank you.
我連續6周都在路上奔波 I'm on the road for about six weeks,
有一晚 我在俄亥俄州喜劇俱樂部后臺 and one night, I'm backstage at a comedy club in Ohio.
我要清算今晚的賬單了 Hey, I'm closing out my tabs for the night.
你要再來一杯嗎 You want another drink?
或者再來份小吃還是主菜 Or another appetizer or entree?
我有那么能吃嗎 Am I eating that much?
真不好意思 That's embarrassing.
哪里多了 你還沒嘗過爆米花呢 Are you kidding? You haven't even tried our popcorn yet.
我給爆米花留著肚子呢 I'm saving room for the popcorn.
聽說是從狂歡節上弄來的 I heard it's imported from a carnival.
給誰發短信呢 Who you writing to?
我女朋友 This is to my girlfriend.
你有女朋友 You have a girlfriend.
是啊 我們在一起已經... Yeah, yeah, we've been together since...
那不錯 That's cool.
你聽聽這是不是很諷刺 So tell me if you think this is crazy.
我還在貓頭鷹餐廳打工 諷刺的是 My other job is at Hooters, which is really crazy
我的一個奶子比另一個大 because one of my boobs is bigger than the other boob.
hooters也指女性胸部
夠諷刺吧 Isn't that crazy?
是啊 Yeah.
想看看嗎 Do you want to see them?
你的奶子嗎 Your boobs?
是啊 Yeah.
行啊 Yeah.
好 Cool.
我是說 不是... I mean, not...
我不知道你是... You know, I didn't think you were...
你還以為你是在開玩笑 I thought you were kidding.
我沒想到你真的要... I didn't know you were actually gonna...
我沒想到你現在就要給我看 you know, I didn't know you were gonna actually do it right now.
這里太... You know, there's just...
這里人太多了 There's people here.
我覺得這不合適 I don't think that's a good...
沒什么 人走的差不多了 No. Pretty much everyonds gone.
我不想...我...抱歉 我... I don't want to... I have... sorry, I have...
你這是干什么 What are you doing?
抱歉 我有時會呼吸困難 Sorry. I... Sometimes I have this trouble breathing.
我有女朋友了 也許我不該來這... I have a girlfriend, and I probably shouldn't be here and...
我知道規矩 Yeah, no, I know the drill.
我可不知道什么規矩 I did not know the drill.
但我知道我不該在那兒 所以我離開了 But I knew I shouldn't be there, and so I left the situation.
幾小時后 我又喝了幾杯... And a few hours later, after several drinks...
最終還是沒有把持住 I reentered the situation.
第二天 我開車去妹妹珍妮特的婚禮 And the next day, I drove to my sister Janet's wedding.
這趟旅行怎么樣 So how was your trip?
很不錯 It was good.
非常不錯 It was good.
是嗎 發生了什么嗎 Yeah? Did anything happen?
什么意思 What do you mean?
不知道 I don't know.
你今天就是有點怪怪的 You're just acting kind of weird.
我覺得你才怪怪的 I think you're acting weird.
是嗎 怎么怪了 Really? How?
你問我的旅行怎么樣 By asking me how my trip was.
我感到內疚和羞愧 And I felt guilt and shame.
同時我覺得這種事情還可能再次發生 But I also felt like this kind of thing might happen again.
我也知道我還不應該結婚 And I knew I shouldn't be getting married.
現在你們可以親吻對方了 And you may kiss.
我和你媽媽40年前也是這樣 Your mother and I did this 40 years ago.
有時候 除了委曲求全 別無選擇 At a certain point, you got to zig or zag.
好了 媽媽靠近一點 All right. Mom, Mom, a little closer, please.
大家站好 別鬧了 Straighten up. Stop fussing.
說 茄子 And say "Happy".
茄子 Happy.
好 接下來 新娘的家人 All right, just the bride's family.
新娘的家人一起來一張 Let's get the bride's family only.
好了 叔叔上個臺階 All right, uncle up a step.
上兩個 Up two steps.
-兩個臺階 -姑姑 下來一些 - Two steps. - Aunt, down.
馬特 你不想讓艾比也進來嗎 Matt, don't you want Abby in the picture?
他當然想 Of course he does.
當然 當然 來吧 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
當然 來吧 Of course. Yeah, yeah.
來吧 到這邊來 Come on. Come on over.
就站在這兒 This is your spot, right here.
好的 Okay.
茄子 Happy.
我停車送你吧 I can park.
不用 沒關系 No, that's okay.
反正我要去見漢娜 I'm gonna meet up with Hannah anyway.
現在去嗎 Now?
對 Yeah.
要我陪嗎 You want me to come?
不用 我自己可以 No, I'm good.
我是艾比 Hi, this is Abby.
您哪位 And you are?
是我 Hey, it's me.
想打給你 問個好 I was just calling to see what's up,
也問問你在哪 之類的 like, where you are and everything.
我是艾比 This is Abby.
您哪位 And you are?
還是我 Me again, calling.
就是... Just...
早上四點 艾比走進來 4:00 a.m., Abby walked in,
她哭過了 還喝醉了 and she was crying, and she was drunk.
我問 艾比 你去哪了 And I said, "Abby, where were you?"
她說 我們要是不打算結婚 And she said, "If we're not gonna get married,"
我得去另尋他路了 I got to figure something else out."
你要干什...快停下 What are you... Stop it.
把包還我 馬特 有什么用 Give me my bag, Matt. What is the difference?
-不許走 -為什么不讓我走 - You are not doing this. - Why don't you let go?
我只是太... I've just been so...
我愛你 你知道的 I love you, you know?
我只是覺得我們 I just think that we...
我不是... I'm not...
我們還是結婚吧 We should just get married.
這怎么行 No.
我去買戒指 然后我們... Yeah, I'll get a ring, and we'll get...
租下我父母海濱別墅旁邊的小屋 rent that cabana down by my parents' beach house.
不行 No.
我真覺得我們就該這樣 I really think that this is what we should do.
別這樣 No.
我們應該結 We have to.
我無法想象沒有你的生活 I mean, I can't imagine life without you.
我覺得我們應該結婚 I think that we should just do it.
我們就該... I think we should just...
最后她問 什么時候 Finally she said, "When?"
我當時就該說 Now, what I should have said was,
我們明年夏天再商量好嗎 "Can we talk about this next summer?"
可實際上我說的是 What I did say was
明年夏天 next summer.
于是我就這么訂婚了 And that's how I got engaged.
我知道 I know.
我也活在未來 I'm in the future also.
我們 Well, we
并不富足 Ain't got a barrel of money
我們衣衫襤褸 滑稽風趣 Maybe we're ragged and funny
但我們會一起走 唱著歌 But we'll travel along, singing our song
肩并肩 Side by side
前途未卜 Don't know what's coming tomorrow
或許會有困難和痛楚 Maybe there's trouble and sorrow
但我們會一起走 分擔憂愁 But we'll travel the road, sharing our load
肩并肩 Side by side
無論晴雨 Through all kinds of weather
但要是天塌下來 But if the sky should fall
只要我們在一起 As long as we're together
一切都不成問題 Doesn't matter at all
當別人互相爭吵 勞燕分飛 When they've all had their quarrels and parted
我們會一如既往 We'll be the same as we started
一起走 唱著歌 While travelin' along, singin' our song
肩并肩 Side by side
馬特 回床上來 Matt, come back to bed.
我們按規矩來吧 We're gonna do the drill.
不了 謝謝 No, thank you.
我不能再上去了 I can't come in there anymore.
馬特 回床上來 Matt, come back to bed.
不 我說過了 不了 謝謝 No, I said, "No, thank you."
馬特 你今天得聯系醫生了 Matt, you got to call the doctor today.
好的 我會的 I will. I will.
對不起 I'm sorry.
我保證聯系他 I-I promise.
你在干什么 What are you doing?
我要寫在你手上 I'm writing it on your hand.
《睡眠的承諾》 威廉·C·狄門特醫生著 The Promise of Sleep by Dr. William C. Dement.
人的一生中... During their entire lifetime, people...
我爸爸給我一本書 叫《睡眠的承諾》 My dad got me a book called The Promise of Sleep.
里面有四個幫助睡眠的基本建議 His four basic tips for helping you sleep,
都是關于睡前幾小時逐漸平靜心情的 they all have to do with powering down a few hours before bed,
關掉新聞 網絡 和手機 turning off the news and the internet and the phone,
不吃大餐 and don't eat big meals,
而這些恰好是我 which just so happen to be
睡前最喜歡做的四件事 my four favorite activities before bed.
我特愛看有線新聞 I'm completely addicted to cable news.
吸引我的 估計就是 I think it's 'cause they hook you in
那種激光音效 with the laser sound effects
和完全答不出來的問題了 and questions you couldn't possibly know the answers to.
就像這樣 They'll be like, "Puh-choo!"
知道你的湯里都有什么嗎 Do you know what's in your soup?"
我就會想 天哪 And I'm like, "My God."
我不知道湯里有什么 "I guess I don't know what's in my soup.
我得看看 "I got to stick around.
我覺得是肉湯 可又不確定 "I thought maybe broth, but I wasn't 100%.
這是什么 豐田的廣告嗎 "What is this, a commercial for Toyota?
好吧 我接著看 "All right, I'll watch this,
只要你告訴我湯里有什么就行 just as long as you tell me what's in my soup."
然后他們就說 這是肉湯 And then they'll be like, "Puh-choo, it's broth."
我就說 我就知道 I'm like, "I knew it."
我早就知道了 只是不確定 I knew it was broth, but I wasn't 100%."
我患有夢游癥 And I've been sleepwalking.
我會在睡著以后到處走動 I walk in my sleep and...
夢游是一種可怕的現象 Sleepwalking is a terrifying phenomenon
想想就很可怕 when you think about it
因為是你的身體在做決定 'cause it's your body making a decision
全然不同于你清醒的意識 that's distinctly different than your conscious mind.
就好像 你的意識在說 Your conscious mind is like,
我們要休息幾小時 "We're gonna rest for a few hours."
而身體卻在說 我們要去滑雪 And your body's like, "We're going skiing!"
我真該去看看醫生 I should see a doctor, really,
因為它變得很嚴重 'cause it's gotten pretty serious,
但我真的不想看醫生 but I don't really want to see a doctor, you know,
因為睡眠障礙 與大腦有關 because sleep disorders, they involve your brain.
而腦科疾病沒幾個是好玩的 And the list of fun brain diseases is very short,
你上"網絡醫生"看看就知道了 you know, if you're ever surfing WebMD.
我七天里要去九所大學演出 I got booked at nine colleges in seven days.
在俄亥俄 賓夕法尼亞 特拉華 I was performing across Ohio, in Pennsylvania, in Delaware,
華盛頓特區和北卡羅來納都有演出 Washington, D.C., North Carolina.
目前已知的睡眠障礙有78種 There are 78 known sleep disorders,
這包括睡眠窒息 things that range from sleep apnea
夜驚 嗜眠病 to night terrors to narcolepsy.
嗜眠病很可怕 Narcolepsy is terrifying
因為得病的人 'cause there are people
不論何時 不知為何 就會睡著 who fall asleep at any time for any reason.
有些嗜眠病的女性患者 There are female narcoleptics who fall asleep
在高潮的瞬間睡著 the moment they reach orgasm.
我想你可以管這種女人叫 男人 I was thinking you could call these women "Men."
而當我在路上奔波的時候 And while I went on the road,
艾比已經開始準備我們的婚禮 Abby started preparing for our wedding,
好幾個月以來 for months and months
忙著確定各種瑣碎的事情 working on very specific things:
地點 婚紗 籌備人 等等 locations, dresses, caterers.
我知道這個婚結不成 但我說不出口 I knew this wasn't gonna happen, but I couldn't say it.
他在哪 Where is he?
他在費城 He's in Philadelphia.
在一個叫笑話倉庫的俱樂部表演 Playing a club called The Joke Barn.
不是吧 笑話倉庫 You're kidding me. The Joke Barn?
我真不知道該怎么想了 I don't really know what to think anymore.
一個步行馬拉松中心請你去表演 They're having you perform in the center
為紅斑狼瘡癥募捐 of a walkathon for lupus.
一周七場 Seven shows in a week.
多謝 柯琳 I really appreciate it, Colleen,
但現在我... but right now I'm just...
我可能沒法開車去那么遠 you know, I don't think I should be driving that far.
五天得開一千公里 I mean, that's, like, 1,000 miles in, like, five days.
我手上還有很多人 馬特 Well, I got a lot of guys, Matt.
我可以把你從快速撥號設置里去掉 I'd be glad to take you off the speed dial.
別 別 我可以去 No, no, I can do it.
我可以去 I can do it.
我只是 好吧 沒事 沒問題 I just-yeah, no, it's fine.
沒事 It's fine.
好吧 Okay...
謝謝 柯琳 Thanks, Colleen.
謝謝 Thanks.
警察拘留了一名嫌犯 Police have a suspect in custody,
但調查結束前 but they're not releasing any information
他們不會給出任何信息 until they complete their investigation.
聽說你擅長替別的喜劇演員擋槍 I hear you're good at taking the bullet for other comedians.
你還好嗎 You okay?
沒事吧 Are you okay?
沒事 Yeah.
對不起 I'm sorry.
抱歉 Sorry.
我們這還有更時尚的卡片可以選 Here we have some of the heavier cardstock options.
真美 It's beautiful.
真漂亮 Beautiful.
什么時候要發出去 And when are you sending these out?
對啊 Right.
6月15日發請帖 Well, the invitation would go out June 15th.
6月15日 June 15th.
然后婚禮是在8月22日 And then the wedding will be August 22nd.
好像是 I guess.
好像是 You guess?
親愛的 你可是要結婚了 If you're gonna get married, dear
應該迫不及待才對 you have to be running down the aisle.
是啊 我知道 Yeah, no, I know.
要做的決定太多了 It's, it's a lot of decisions.
-我明白 -沒事 - I understand. - It's fine.
給 Here.
這是我最喜歡的之一 This is one of my favorites.
你會發現很... You'll notice how...
《睡眠的承諾》 The Promise of Sleep,
本人 威廉·C·狄門特醫生著 by me, Dr. William C. Dement.
你在我車里干什么呢 What are you doing in my car?
我不是真的在這 I'm not really here.
是你太疲勞了 You're just exhausted.
你真叫狄門特醫生嗎 Is your name actually Dr. Dement?
dement有"使人發狂"的意思
千真萬確 Surely is.
我要是一名睡眠內科醫生 I feel like if I were a sleep physician,
我會起個更安神的名字 I'd want to go with a more soothing name
比如 睡得好醫生 like Dr. Happysleep,
甘菊茶醫生 Dr. Chamomile Tea.
我們可以開始了嗎 Can we please begin?
可以 抱歉 Yeah. Sorry.
抱歉 Sorry.
第四章 睡眠的承諾 Chapter Four, The Promise of Sleep.
我們一生睡眠的時間超過二十萬個小時 We sleep more than 200,000 hours during a lifetime.
相當于八千天 That's the equivalent of 8,000 days.
睡眠研究多種多樣 我們了解的卻很少 In spite of all the research, we know very little...
行了 往前吧 有沒有那種... Okay. Go ahead. Well, is there like a...
有關于睡眠障礙的章節嗎 Is there a chapter on sleep disorders?
我向前跳一段 Let me skip ahead.
第九章 睡眠障礙 Chapter Nine, Sleep Disorders.
有夢游 夢囈 There's sleep walking, sleep talking,
邊睡邊吃東西 eating while you're asleep.
而最嚴重的一種睡眠障礙 But one of the most serious of the many sleep disorders
是快速眼動行為異常 is REM Behavior Disorder.
快速眼動行為異常患者 People who have REM Behavior Disorder
把自己做的夢付諸行動 actually act out the dream they are having.
快速眼動行為異常的癥狀 In REM Behavior Disorder,
通常表現為 人在逃離 people are often running away
某種魔鬼或是野獸 from some kind of demon or wild animal.
極少數情況下 In rare instances,
有這種睡眠障礙的人 甚至會 people with this sleep disorder have actually gone so far as to
在睡夢中殺死枕邊人 kill the person they're sleeping with while they're asleep.
等等 什么 Wait. What?
極少數情況下 In rare instances,
有這種睡眠障礙的人 甚至會 people with this sleep disorder have actually gone so far as to
在睡夢中殺死枕邊人 kill the person they're sleeping with while they're asleep.
對于它 幾乎毫無所知 Almost nothing is known about it
也幾乎無能為力 and almost nothing can be done.
媽媽 Hi, Mom.
馬修 Hi, Matthew.
你在哪 Where are you?
我在馬里蘭 I'm, I'm in Maryland.
我住在拉昆塔酒店 I'm staying at La Quinta Inn.
不對 是叫拉肯塔吧 No, you mean La "Keen-tah."
不 是叫拉昆塔 No, I think it's La Quinta.
歡迎來到拉肯塔酒店 Welcome to La Keen-tah Inn.
謝謝 Thanks.
跟你說了吧 Told you.
艾比跟你一起去的嗎 Is Abby with you at La Quinta Inn?
沒有 她在家 No, she's at home.
我跟你說 I have to tell you,
她給我們發了一張婚紗的照片 she sent us a photo of the dress.
你看了嗎 Have you seen it?
沒有 沒看 抱歉 No. No, I-sorry.
沒關系 You're fine.
這的泳池不錯吧 Great pool here, huh?
我剛入住 I just checked in.
還不太清楚 I don't really know.
全天開放呢 It's open, like, 24-7.
抱歉 好的 Sorry. Right.
華夫吧也很棒 Waffle bar's awesome too.
我不會告訴你的 I'm not gonna tell you about this.
好了 媽媽 Okay, Mom.
-好嗎 -好的 - Right? - Right.
好的 可以告訴你 但我不該說 Right, I mean-but I could tell you, but I shouldn't.
不 我知道 No, I know.
不過 我覺得 On the other hand, I just don't think
我就形容一下 應該沒什么關系 it would be so bad if I just described...
稍微形容一下不會破壞驚喜的 I mean, a little description won't really ruin the effect.
好 我給你講講這條裙子 Okay, well, let me tell you about the dress.
是米白色 很顯胸部 我知道你喜歡 It's off-white and very bosomy, which I know that you like.
琳達 你在跟他講婚紗嗎 Linda, are you telling him about the wedding dress?
沒有 只是給他一點點... I'm not, just giving him a little bit-little...
該死 God damn it.
你不該讓新郎 You're not supposed to let the groom
知道婚紗的樣子 know about the dress.
我真覺得逗逗他不礙事的 Well, I don't think a little tease will hurt, really.
把電話給我 給我 Give me the phone. Give me the...
你干嘛非得告訴他 Why did you have to bring that up to him?
因為我覺得他會高興 Because I thought he would enjoy it.
馬修 你到底在哪 Hey, look, hey, Matthew, where the hell are you, anyway?
-你好嗎 -一切都好 - Are you all right? - Things are fine.
我剛收到一張563美金的快易通賬單 Yeah, well, I just got an E-ZPass bill for $563.
你是在開我的車全國巡回嗎 Are you using my goddamn car to cruise around the country?
不 我沒在巡回 爸爸 No, I'm not cruising, Dad.
你在說什么 What are you talking about?
我覺得那車會撐不住的 I don't think that car can take it.
你要么安定下來 要么換輛車 I think you either got to settle down or get a new car.
我得掛了 I got to go.
馬修 還有一件事 Matthew, one more thing.
我要把照片發到你郵箱 I'm gonna email the photo to you.
-不 我要掛了 媽媽 -我發了 - No, I got to go, Mom. - I sent it.
你搞什么啊 God damn it!
隔離坐標 Isolate the coordinates.
是 長官 Yes, sir.
標記2113 Bearing mark 2-1-1-3,
北緯46度 西經118度 latitude 46 degrees north and longitude 118 west.
怎么回事 What's going on?
我們正在追蹤一枚制導導彈 We're currently tracking a guided missile
它正朝這個房間發射 that's headed straight for this room.
快告訴我 Just tell me this.
現在怎么辦 What's the plan?
馬特 似乎沒有辦法了 Well, Matt, it looks like you don't have one.
你需要來點該死的現實檢驗 I think you need a little goddamn reality testing.
還有一件事 There's one more thing.
導彈坐標被定位在你身上 The missile coordinates are set specifically on you.
這些人會怎么樣 What's gonna happen to these people?
看起來不妙 馬特 It doesn't look good, Matt.
注意 Warning.
12 11 12, 11...
好 Okay!
10 9 8 10, 9, 8...
我剛看見一個人大叫著從窗戶跳了出去 I just saw a guy jump out the window screaming.
有什么人去處理一下嗎 I mean, is anybody gonna do anything?
天哪 My God!
你好 我住在這個酒店 Hello. I'm staying at the hotel.
剛才發生了點事故 我從窗戶跳出去了 I had an incident where I jumped out my window,
我在流血 and I'm bleeding,
需要去醫院 and I need to go to the hospital.
好吧 All right.
從二樓窗戶跳出去 最痛苦的 What's painful about jumping out a second-story window
并不是跳下去的時候 isn't actually the jumping part.
而是從腿上挑玻璃出來的時候 It's when they start to pick the glass out of your legs.
這塊玻璃就在你的股動脈附近 This glass was right near your femoral artery.
要是扎破了 你早就流血致死了 If you'd have hit that, you'd have bled to death.
你就死定了 You should be dead.
不 你才死定了 No, you should.
我跟他斗嘴 I zinged him
是因為我是搞喜劇的 because I'm a comedian.
我覺得我們不該結婚 I don't think that we should be getting married.
我... I-and I...
我還沒準備好 我應該早說的 可是 I knew I wasn't ready, and I should've said it but...
我就是覺得 我應該自個待著 I just think I should be on my own.
你說得對 You're right.
我們不該結婚 We shouldn't be getting married.
你這么想有多久了 How long have you felt like that?
當我準備拍這部電影時 When I was getting ready to make this film,
我正苦苦思考著和艾比的感情 I was obsessing over my relationship with Abby
思考問題在哪里 and what went wrong
以及她為什么陪了我這么多年 and why she stayed with me, you know, all these years.
所以我去見了她 And so I went to visit her.
她跟丈夫和兩個孩子住在北部 She lives upstate with her husband and two kids.
我提前打了電話 And, you know, I called in advance.
我沒有突然出現 然后說 You know, I didn't just show up and say, like,
我是你前男友 我想要答案 "I'm your ex-boyfriend, and I want answers."
明白嗎 You know?
我知道那樣不大好 I know that that's probably not the best thing to do.
我們是朋友 And so I-you know, we're friends,
所以我去拜訪她 and so I went and visited her and...
一起喝喝茶 and we're having tea,
她的孩子跑來跑去 and, like, her kids are running around,
我對她說 and I said to her-I was like,
你為什么陪了我那么多年 "Why did you stay with me all those years
即便你知道我們走不到最后 when you knew that we were doomed?"
她說 And she said
我不想傷害你 "I didn't want to hurt you."
你能相信嗎 Can you believe that?
我們差點就要共度余生了 We almost spent the entire rest of our lives together
就因為我們都不想讓對方生氣 because we didn't want to make the other person mad.
我今晚要告訴你們一個真實的故事 I'm gonna tell you a story tonight, and it's true.
我總要強調這一點 因為難免... And I always have to tell people that because inevitably...
我會說 艾比 And I would say, "Abby!"
屋里有只胡狼 There's a jackal in the room!"
我們去參加了我妹妹珍妮特的婚禮 We went to my sister Janet's wedding.
要是你正處于一段 Now, if you're ever in a relationship
有可能走向婚姻的感情中 that seems to be moving towards marriage
喜劇夜總會
而你并沒有做好那樣的準備 and you're not ready for it to go in that direction,
就別去參加我妹妹珍妮特的婚禮 don't go to my sister Janet's wedding.
我對自己的感情越來越焦慮 As my anxiety about my relationship got worse,
夢游也愈加嚴重 my sleepwalking got worse.
窗戶關著 The window was closed,
我就像綠巨人一樣從窗戶跳了出去 so I jumped through a window like The Hulk.
于是我做了我早就該做的事 I did what I should have done in the first place
當我看見胡狼 when I saw the jackal,
和當我參加吸塵器奧運會時 就該做的 when I was in the DustBuster Olympics.
我找到一位睡眠障礙專家 I went to a doctor who specializes in sleep disorders.
我被診斷為快速眼動行為異常 I was diagnosed with REM Behavior Disorder.
所以現在 我晚上睡覺時 And so now when I go to bed at night,
關掉新聞 I turn off the news,
電話 和網絡 the phone, and the internet.
我按時吃藥 I take medication,
睡在到脖子那么高的睡袋里 and I sleep in a sleeping bag up to my neck.
還戴連指手套 And I wear mittens...
這樣我就打不開睡袋了 So I can't open the sleeping bag.
有請馬特·潘達米格里奧上臺 Please welcome to the stage, Matt Pandamiglio.
人們常常來找我 A lot of times, people will come up to me,
問我 你的病治愈了嗎 and they ask me, you know, like, "Are you cured?"
我回答 沒有 And I say, "No."
但我覺得沒關系 But I think that's okay.
我一直等待一個預兆 I've been waiting for a sign
來告訴我 To tell me where
告訴我 Tell me where
該何去何從 I belong
而你一直等待夜晚 And you've been waiting for the night
你一直等待夜晚 You've been waiting for the night
帶你走遠 To take you far
去遠離我的地方 Take you far away from me
就是現在 就是現在 Now, now, now, now, now, now, now
誰 誰 誰 誰 Who, who, who, who
就是現在 就是現在 Now, now, now, now, now, now, now
誰 誰 誰 誰 Who, who, who, who
我一直等待一個預兆 I've been waiting for a sign
來告訴我 To tell me where
告訴我 Tell me where
該何去何從 Where I belong
而你一直等待夜晚 And you've been waiting for the night
你一直等待夜晚 You've been waiting for the night
帶你走遠 To take you far
去遠走他鄉 Take you far away from here
就是現在 就是現在 Now, now, now, now, now, now, now
誰 誰 誰 誰 Who, who, who, who
就是現在 就是現在 Now, now, now, now, now, now, now
誰 誰 誰 誰 Who, who, who, who
當我正在你門前等候 And as I'm waiting on your doorstep now
我注意到油漆的圖案 I notice patterns in the paint
想著玻璃會怎樣被推開 I'm wondering how the glass will hit
當我 When I
轉過身 羞愧離去 As I turn and go in shame
就是現在 就是現在 Now, now, now, now, now, now, now
在你身上 有個地方 There's a spot on your body
讓所有的男孩 And it caused all the boys
目不轉睛 迷失方向 Follow your eyes and get lost
你要對家人起誓 You'll swear to your family
家人和朋友們 Family and friends
為什么 那都過去了 Why, it was just yesterday
就對家人起誓 Just swear to your family
家人和朋友們 Family and friends
為什么 那都過去了 Why, it was just yesterday
如果每個男人都是攝影師 If every man's a photographer
笑一笑 昂起頭來 Then smile and hold up your head
在他爬上你的床之前 Give him one of your long batty looks
朝他做個鬼臉 Before he climb on into your bed
而你會對全家起誓 And you'll swear to your family
家人和朋友們 Family and friends
為什么 那都過去了 Why, it was just yesterday
就對全家起誓 Just swear to your family
家人和朋友們 Family and friends
為什么 那都過去了 Why, it was just yesterday